💙🖋️ forever blue 💙🖋️
☆☆☆ please understand these are obviously just my random thoughts and that I am in no way any expert on any subject or that my words should be taken as fact. all I want is a place to be able to freely share my thoughts about something personal and my experience are my own. while I make an effort to refrain from discussing speculations + more intense discussions of mental health, please consider this before reading ahead. ☆☆☆
About a week ago, I wrote some thoughts down about how I felt recently losing my friend and fellow artist Stefano. Then that file got accidentally deleted, so I just accepted that writing everything down without posting it is also perfectly okay.
At the same time, I realize that if there’s a way to still be able to put these upcoming thoughts somewhere, that I should I try again.
Last night, right as I was working on my script planning for my latest project, I stepped away from my usual Niji fan group chat I keep on the side to enjoy posts between my breaks. In that time, I came back to the news that Ike Eveland was gone.
It’s hard to admit that him leaving isn’t too much of a surprise, but the circumstances at the moment seem a bit more nebulous and complex than that. He didn’t tell his wavemates ahead of time, and the news came to everyone including his fellow livers in a huge shock. This also comes at the heels of Fuuchan also graduating next week, as well as several other companies and indie vtubers experiencing their own recent pains and graduations.
The hardest thing in the moment when this news came was knowing that it would break Quilldrens’ hearts. The ones I personally know have always been so dedicated to Ike but have also struggled in some ways whenever he’s been absent for so long, which Ike himself stated is one of the reasons why he felt like he’s been failing them and wants to step away. I know sometimes that we joke that our days can depend on our oshis streaming or not, and on my end, I come at those remarks from a lighthearted angle. But for some friends, I don’t want to misinterpret them or their true feelings. I don’t always know if they’re trying to tell me something more, something that is difficult to ask and infer about. I think it’s the same for anyone regardless of which fandom or even social space you’re in. You know that any kind of attachment will make this situation really difficult.
It's painful not having the right words of encouragement. I feel like even hearing them at the very second you find out everything tends to fall on deaf ears for good reason. There’s a brief window of time, a phase of sorts where you’re just numb from the shock and the weight of having to adjust your reality to it.
My heart breaks for them, and especially that they don’t get the chance to say goodbye the way Comfydants or other fans will. While this does put some responsibility into the community we’ve fostered to be there for our fellow Quilldren, it doesn’t come without its confusion. You can tell that some of us don’t have a point of reference for how to grieve or process this kind of news, let alone be there for someone else to guide them through it. You can tell the ones who may be prone to giving into their emotions are perhaps thinking that the best way to understand all this is to point fingers or speculate about what could’ve been done to change this situation.
I see some people online who think that Ike neglecting to tell the rest of Luxiem anything is a sign that they didn’t care about him, or that the company neglected to see the signs of his waning mental health in the recent months, if not years.
The problem with these assumptions is that they’re crossing into territories that deal with how complex mental health problems can really be. There are too many scenarios to consider, and many of them rely on context that we as fans don’t have, nor is it our right to demand for them. However, just from personal experience, to assume at face value that someone’s decision in this way could ever indicate that they were solely being neglected and left alone to suffer isn’t always the case. There are times when people’s inner demons and mental health struggles can keep them from being able to see the world in the clearest perspective possible: that they have friends and loved ones who care, and that they are good, skilled, and have every right to exist and thrive in this world.
I get where people are coming from in wanting to find something to blame, something that could potentially change the course for someone else’s fate along the way. I told a friend shortly after it happened that one thing I did notice about Ike’s leaving is that it may further the conversation of the difficult reality that vtubers face every day.
In the recent years, there’s been this sense that anyone could realistically become a vtuber if they can get a decent setup together and invest into what starts as a hobby but can become an actual form of income and career. There’s been this feeling that you could become any kind of vtuber with your own design, lore, and interests, and that there’ll always be a space for you to build such a platform. This message tends to gloss over a certain reality that’s been around since the Internet ever began: that putting yourself out there at any capacity, any avatar, or any persona comes with a social risk. It’s a social Faustian exchange. You get a corner to share your world, but at the price of relinquishing this part of your identity to a collective.
To call becoming a vtuber as “easy” is no different than telling writers, artists, and content creators that their projects aren’t mentally taxing on them if they aren’t exhausting themselves physically. Given the saturation in the vtuber space, streaming yourself playing games is hardly a guarantee that you’ll drive the response that you might be looking for in the long run depending on your personal goals and expectations. This can breed a lot of competition and as a result, a risk of inciting feelings of imposter syndrome, lapses in confidence, isolation, ego deaths and trips, and a loss of control of identity and the platform you’ve cultivated. In every step of the way, with every bit of influence you’ve incurred, your words and choices matter even more.
Coming from my own experience in commercial art and writing, even when you think you have a freedom to share your ideas and communicate them in ways you think will positively influence others, you’re still engaging in a delicate dance with society. Sometimes, your thoughts might not even feel like they belong to you anymore. This can be frightening to some and isolating for others, even in the wake of feeling grateful and even powerful of the position that you’re in.
Ike had a massive platform, one that came with a lot of influence and arguably a lot of social responsibilities thrust upon him that he himself might’ve reconsidered if he’d known where things would go. It’s hard to say without truly knowing who Ike really is offline if these factors weighed on him and to which extent. To act as if there’s one easy, simple answer to his leaving is oversimplifying his situation and personhood, and that of his own colleagues as well, all of which personally seems like uncomfortable territory to me.
I think it’s safe to say that no vtuber who goes into Niji or any group for that matter debuts thinking that they’ll leave in this manner. I’m sure that most of them want to properly graduate and take that time to thank their fans, their colleagues, and the community for the opportunity to celebrate their existence before moving on. It’s reasonable to think that most of them will see this as a point to appreciate their accomplishments and find the confidence and courage to take the next positive step forward, whichever that may be.
Therefore, I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that Ike had legitimately hoped that when the time came to move on, he would’ve been able to graduate on good terms and have a platform that he could look back as part of his journey before moving into a new phase of his life. Whether that included vtubing elsewhere or pursuing another career or interest, the hope would’ve been that he and Quilldren would’ve had something to stay connected with even as the years go by.
I think where we are now is that it’s really on Quilldren and this community to keep his memory alive as they each choose to do so. It’s hard to put that responsibility solely on the rest of Luxiem since they’re experiencing their own loss.
It’s not unfair if some Quilldren or other livers don’t want to partake on this. Grief and loss are hard and subjective experiences, and some people find more comfort in closing this chapter so that they can move on.
But for others, continuing to share and celebrate all that Ike has done for himself, Quilldren, and this community is paramount. While the act of Ike privating his videos means that there may be less official access to his work by his request, there are still other ways to express this gratitude for his existence. There is still art and music to share his story and yours. There is the act of exchanging a positive message from one friend to another and knowing exactly from which certain novelist it came from. There is the act of being there for others if you know they are mentally struggling and need support to be able to find proper help.
The only thing you have to consider is knowing where you can comfortably share these things while being considerate towards how others feel and interpret his words. But it’s normal, safe, and healthy for people to also find ways to never forget him when his existence meant something positive to you and others and ultimately changed your life.
For the Quilldren who will continue to keep him alive in their own way, whether by art, posts, or mere memory, that is going to be a selfless and admirable responsibility to undertake. It’s going to be hard on some days, but perhaps rewarding in others with peace, acceptance, and maybe even a quiet kind of happiness of knowing that you were one of the reasons he smiled. And who’s to say that in the future if he does look back on all this with that same smile, that he’ll be thinking of you once more.
The reality is that days from now, you might find yourself feeling better, moving forward, perhaps partaking in other fandoms or interests, but just when you think you may have unintentionally forgotten him, your heart finds a way to remind you that you still haven’t and truly never will. Whether that’s by recognizing a song, or subconsciously imparting wisdoms to others that he may have told you once, or even just remembering a joke or the way your heart would leap when he would stream, those things are your way of keeping Ike alive in the most genuine way possible.
While grief does come in waves and it can creep up on you on other days, there’s a far greater chance that the better memories will prevail in the end. Even if those aren’t necessarily as rose-tinted as they once were, they’ll be bound by a certain wisdom and reflection upon what Ike truly means to you in your life’s journey, and also perhaps it’ll guide you towards learning what you truly meant to him as well.
